I don't really know what to think of myself anymore.

If you're reading this, and thinking "Oh Gillian, she's getting emo on us again.", then you're an asshole. If you're reading this, and you're worried, you should really get a life.  If you just read the past two sentences and are thinking "Gillian's a bitch.", the you're right on the money.
I don't WANT to know what people think of me. I have a feeling they think I'm a much worse person than I actually am. UGH.
 

If you would like some insight into my personality, here it is. My family told me when I was younger that I was much too sensitive, and should stop crying  so much. So, in an attempt to channel my emotions in another way, I decided to stop being sad, and I decided to get mad instead. (How Dr. Suess of me) So, whenever you think I'm being absolutely awful to you, I'm probably planning on crying as soon as you get out of my sight.

Quote:

"People take your rants so seriously because, to them, something would have to be seriously wrong for them to be that expressive."

So, those who read my lj, and get worried, I have a question for you. How do you not vocalize things to other people? I feel sorry for you, it must be so lonely.

 I just saw my first open casket/ went to my first wake.

Truth be told, he didn't look that bad. In fact, he just looked kind of peaceful. Happy, in fact.

The akwardness level was crazy, since I don't know how to behave at funerals.Like my father, I can't express how I feel in words, especially under pressure, or in "public". A funeral has both those variables, so my mother was left to do all the talking. She can't do any public-speaking to save her life, poor woman, but there we were: my mother's eyes filling with tears, saying all these great things,  and my father and I standing there like we had been raised in the wild and this was our first moment of human contact.

Eli (the deceased's son) was visibly upset, but held it together admirably. The last time I talked to him, he was talking about his business, and how easy it was, and he was SO happy. 

I don't know, it was odd.

 I just broke every single promise that I made to my brother in Boston. However, in doing so, I finally received closure (and I am finally started to heal) after 3 years of stupidity. In the end, I actually AM keeping those promises. 
I just needed to bend the rules a little because I couldn't leave things so open-ended, because that's what caused me to take all that hurt and anger, and actually make it part of my personality.

I fed off of it. Not just all the things that happened between us, but all the crap that happened in my past. I've always been known as the angry dramatic girl, the one who held grudges, the one who never forgave. I began hearing those things more and more, and they began to define me. If I started to actually forgive people, then who was I? 
I don't want to be the girl with the crappy middle school experience, the girl with the shit best friend, or the girl with the ex who had his asshole-ish moments. In hating the things that those people did to me, I let the pain control me, and all I did was suffer.

I've forgiven all of them now, finally. Or at least started to, since I know I won't be able to do it on my own. 

I know it's sounds like dramatic drivel, and I sound like a 14 year old girl. I don't know why, but even though it sounds like the musings of a pre-pubescent loser, I feel like this is most mature set of decisions I've ever made.

ps. I feel more confident than I ever have before, and I have some bizarre feeling that I'm going to get that job with AKFC. :)

I guess it's time to begin again.

I don't know when I became so angry, but I know that it has to stop.

So, here's to new, happier, me!